My flight back to Lisbon is cancelled, by the airline. So is my long looking forward trip back to Lisbon. Before shits hit the fence, when I told my friends and co-workers that I am leaving china for vacations in Europe end of June, most of them were worried that I may not be able to come back and advise me to stay in China where it is currently supposedly the safest place. So was I, I was worried about that too – not being able to come back, only because I have a contractual obligation with my office and responsibility towards my projects. But I have not seen S for 5 months and 12 days now.

If I knew that it is going to be a pandemic, that it will affect the entire world, I would give up anything to be there with her back in Europe instead of being separated like now. I rather we fight through the pandemic together. Yes, it is safer in China but what is the point of being safe yet worried about what if anything happens to her and I could not get to her. These are difficult times and we should be going through it together. Yet, I am here while she is on the other side of the globe, torn apart by the closed borders. Everyday on video call I see her white hairs grown more as distance tore us apart, as the time continues to pass, my heart sinks further.

This was not the plan. The plan is that she would be here in February this year and we can experience China together. Together being the key word. Most people think that I should consider myself lucky being inside the soil of China while some unlucky ones are still unable to come back. But feeling helpless does not feel lucky to me. Feeling the lost of having a choice does not feel lucky to me. Feeling trap definitely does not feel lucky to me. Yet, there is nothing I can do.